These thoughts, they consume my mind. All I want to do is run and hide, crying till I can’t see.
But I must face them, as hard as they might be – and cast them out of the dark corners
of my mind, into the light. Embrace what they are, face them, love them –
and acknowledge them for what they truly are…
The thought of meditation causes my brain to go in uproar – sit silent, even just for 5 minutes?
I’ll do it later. When I get home. Before I go to bed. And before I know it,
I’m in bed. Exhausted from my days thoughts, too exhausted to meditate.
The ego has won.
Until I do take those 5 minutes. Just 5 minutes. And I sit. This feeling of emptiness overtakes
me, I am free from my thoughts. Free of those thoughts that put me into a tailspin,
put life on a pedestal and make me want to scream. I am free. No more baggage.
No more heartache. No more worries. Take me away, meditation, I never want to return.
And my ego knocks. And reality sets in. And I’m back, back to where
my mind fought to stay, back to where I drifted away from,
where I never wanted to return.
Yet I remember those moments of silence, appreciating them, feeling their resonance
in my heart, in my mind. And I carry a lighter load,
even if it’s just for a while.
Since I have started on this spiritual journey the past few years, I have always felt like I have had this block. Like I am meant for greatness, meant to do something big, but I don’t know HOW. And I used to blame situations, other people, my past for my current life. Then I learned that I am responsible for my life, no one else. Just because I don’t make that much money, haven’t traveled the world, or found my passion in life doesn’t mean I can blame my past, or other people, for getting me here. I am responsible. Every day I wake up, I decide who I am. Who I am going to be. Who I want to be. It can be terrifying, especially if you don’t know what you want. Or even worse, trusting yourself to become the best you can be.
With my recent surgery, I had been faced with pain, physical limitations and fears. Pain from the holes drilled in my bones, limited to laying on my back and not being able to bend my knee for a week straight, not being able walk, rehabilitating, and fear that my body would not heal the way it should. I put my trust in my doctor, my physical therapists, medicine – to make sure that I would have a successful surgery and be back 100% by the end of the year, if not sooner. And then I remembered – what about me? Why am I putting all of my trust in other people, other things, to help heal me? Of course I needed to trust them to a certain extent… but I also didn’t trust myself. I was setting myself up for failure, not trusting my body to heal well on its own and using other people/things as a excuse in case something went wrong.
All of my life, especially after college, I lost faith in my body. I had anxiety, stomach problems, was exhausted, and couldn’t think. I always assumed there was something wrong with me, with how my body functioned. I tried everything, acupuncture, natural medicine, essential oils, doctors… I still had problems. Why wasn’t anything helping? Was it the food I was eating? Was I over exercising? Was it candida? Parasites? Allergies? Why can’t my body function right?? Recently, someone said to me: Nina, what if there isn’t anything wrong? All of these things you have tried to “fix yourself”, your body doesn’t need them? And then it hit me – I have always been putting myself down, never trusting my body to heal itself. I was blaming my body for not doing its job, when in fact, I had been in control of it all along. I was my own bully, and my thoughts were the root of the problem.
So I decided. I decided that I was going to take responsibility for my healing. I was going to be positive, trust my body to heal and love every minute of this painful surgery. Because if I didn’t, who would?
After my surgery, I had thoughts flood in – what if you got an infection? What if your body rejects the graft? What if, what if, what if? And i stopped them. I began saying nice things to myself. I started thanking my body for healing, for being so strong. I was grateful. My boyfriend thought I was crazy – I would sit and talk to my knee, telling it how wonderful it was and how I loved it for healing so quickly. And I felt amazing. Every time I had a negative thought or found myself dwelling on something negative, I replaced those thoughts with what I was grateful for. And guess what – it worked. My knee is healing, there was no infection, I was able to walk without crutches after 2 weeks, walk with no limp after 3.5 weeks… My swelling has decreased in my knee to the point where I can bend my knee to 138 degrees already… Incredible! And I am proud. I am so proud of my body, of myself, because I was able to take control of this seemingly terrible situation and turn it into a positive moment in my life.
I have not complained once since my surgery – I have taken control of my thoughts, which aren’t just helping my recovery – they are also affecting my life. I look at people, situations, almost everything with such a different perspective. I am in love – with how easily my thoughts can change, and how I can shape my day with just one simple switch in perspective. I am in love with this experience of rehabilitation, because without it, I wouldn’t be able to reach my goal of running another half marathon in less than a year. I am in love with how I can take control of my thoughts and my life, instead of putting the blame on other people.
Stepping back, I now see how this one experience has been such a huge stepping stone in clearing this “block” in my life. And who would have thought – that block was me.
So to anyone and everyone reading this – what is your block? Is it your thoughts? Yourself? Have you been blaming others for what has happened in your life or for the way things have turned out? I challenge you to take a step back – take a deep look at yourself, evaluate your thoughts – and don’t forget to tell yourself how wonderful you are today.
Have you ever just felt so…crazy? Like you have so many thoughts going through your head, and all you want to do is scream and cry and just let it all out… but it’s stuck inside you, like this black hole, consuming you and sucking away at your happiness.
I’ve read so many books on letting go, meditating, gone to seminars, etc… but the one thing I’ve taken away is this: Only you can let go. Only you can face that black hole, that sadness, those dark memories you have tucked away for so long. You know, deep down inside, how to free yourself. What are you scared of? Feeling these dusty thoughts of doubt, hate or sadness? What are you running from? Success? Failure? Lack of love? Whatever it is, know this: IT IS NOT REAL.
Those feelings you have? those are caused by your thoughts. Those thoughts you have? They come from your Ego. That Ego that you let control your life? It only originates from a lack of love. So at your core being, you are really truly suffering from an illusion of lack of love. And I say illusion, because there is no such thing as a lack of love – anything that is not love, is not real.
There is only God, who is love, and lives in our core being. We have this love inside of us, but our ego lets us live continuously in fear, causing us to forget that we ARE love. Fear that we are not good enough, fear that we are ugly, unwanted, unloved… It is the world’s biggest lie.
Change your thoughts, change your life. Your mind controls everything – your thoughts, your body, any illness you have, your perspective on life. And we live our lives, day in an day out, believing that this is how its supposed to be. Have you ever tried to challenge those thoughts? Standing up to that bully in your head? All of our lives, we have been taught to grow up and live a standard life, full of education, work, and eventually, death. Try to be perfect, be the best, be the prettiest, be the richest… and our thoughts are constantly consumed with the fear of not meeting these expectations. And they aren’t even OUR expectations! They are put in our heads by other people!
Why believe these negative thoughts? Challenge them. Stand up to them. Love them. Know that they are not real, and replace them with loving thoughts of what YOU want your life to be like. Happiness. Love. Adventure. Positivity.
How? Face those uncomfortable thoughts and feelings. Feel them. Kick, cry, scream. And then let go of them… and be Free.