To Feel Again

Nina twirling in a green dress in mexico at azulik uh may

To Finally Feel

cat paw

Here is an excerpt from a time where I was moving through a deep healing, allowing years of suppressed emotions in my very active Solar Plexus to come up and be expressed and released. I wanted to share this because I don’t know that people truly understand what it means to “decondition.” It’s a truly deep and transformational process of unbecoming and shedding layers of identities in order to truly step into your highest self. And as an emotional authority/being, this has been my process. To finally feel my emotions, to allow them to move through my body. To not be ashamed of how I was feeling, and to cry when I needed to cry, and to express how I felt by using my voice. I’ve never known how to do that. 

I suffered from chronic digestion issues and no diet or supplement or plant medicine under the sun did anything to help. It’s only then that I realized I had to go within, that nothing external could “heal” me. I know everyone’s journey is so different, and in my case, it was years of unprocessed emotions that were making me constipated and making the lymph nodes around my neck so swollen because I didn’t know how to express myself (among other things). There was nowhere for my emotions to go.

I am speaking specifically about the Solar Plexus, and when in an unhealthy state, can cause chronic health issues. It isn’t just a dumpster – it’s a motor and it needs to process and move what is being filtered through it. When there is no way to express emotions, there is build up and stagnation, sitting there for years until you realize something isn’t right.

And when you do, it’s not an overnight fix. it’s not fun, and it’s not pretty, and its scary and confusing and some days you feel like you are losing your mind because you are learning how to actually FEEL again. To feel and not have any judgement towards it. And it takes time. There might be days where you are crying non stop, and weeks where you just want to laugh all of the time. This is the journey of the emotional wave – you MUST learn to feel your emotions and to embrace them, to allow them to flow THROUGH you, and to not stay inside. This is the beauty of the Solar Plexus. It’s here to provide depth, and this is its process.

So know you aren’t alone, you aren’t crazy, you aren’t overemotional. You are just a human being who was taught to judge your greatest gift.

So go feel – feel it all.   

Excerpt from the diaries of a healing Emotional Manifestor

When a person truly gives themself space and time and stillness to sit with and process and untangle years of pain and suppressed emotions, it’s not an overnight healing journey. The pain can come up in so many ways and at any time.

It can bubble up and burst, crying in a yoga class or just walking down the street. It can come up in the form of deep anger or regret and a deep need to talk or shout it out or punch a pillow.

And maybe you sit in that anger and sadness for a few days or a week, as long as you need to.

The important thing is that you are finally allowing yourself to feel, to feel the years of madness that you pushed down & repressed for so long, not allowing yourself the luxury to fully express yourself.

But now…

It’s time. You can let it all out. And you may feel reckless and up and down and depressed and manic, and your friends may be concerned because of what you are saying to them and how you are feeling and expressing yourself, but I want to say to you…

how beautiful it is that you are allowing yourself to finally feel.

Be up, be down, be happy, laugh for no reason, and cry to release that lump in your throat that always seems to show up when you don’t feel loved or cared for. These feelings are coming up to be felt, to be free from the prison they’ve been in. Stuck in tiny pockets within your body, showing up as aches or disorders or lumps or sickness.

And until we allow ourselves to be open and vulnerable and to be wild and free and crazy, we will hold in this pain and sickness, wondering why our multivitamin and expensive juices aren’t healing us.

And it’s because they can’t.

Only you can heal yourself.

Only you can go within and begin to release those pockets of pain stored so deeply in the crevices of your body. Only you can allow these emotions to surface, to be seen, to be felt, to be loved.

And then, and only then, can you begin to heal.

little by little.

poco y poco.

Taking one step in front of the other, day by day, feeling like you are moving through quicksand, with no solid land or help in sight. But you are committed. You committed to this work, and you’ll see it through. 

Some days you’ll sink, and some days you’ll make sense of the wild, crazy, path you are on. And in the end, when you’ve gone through the hero’s journey, when you’ve cried all of the tears and screamed the pain out and you’ve laughed all of the joy, you’ll find your peace. In that emptiness, in that space of purification, you will find your peace. That big, empty hole will feel dangerously lonely at first, but it’s not. It’s freedom and liberation and space to create and build a new you, a space to fill with new emotions and feelings and a life that you want…. And you’ll realize that you never heeded to hold onto any of what you just released, because it was filling that hole that needed to house the freedom that you so desperately ached for in your life. 

This space is so sacred.

It’s a turning point in one’s life. It’s a reclamation of life, of love, of creativity. This space is a representation of the work and the healing and the experiences you’ve lived and finally…. let go.

When a person has the strength and the courage to let go of such big things, you know the love they carry for themselves. To face and to feel and to love all that was within them, yet releasing it all, becoming weightless, valuing themselves so much that they hold onto nothing, yet love and value all that they are and what they’ve been through. 

This is strength. This is service – not just to ones self, but to humanity. To dig so deeply and go so far into the depths of themselves that they come out on the other side, no longer the same person, yet open and free, discovering the love they had within all along.

And in that realization, there isn’t just love for ones self. There is love for all. Because when a person seeks and goes so deeply, they can’t help but come out loving everything and everyone. To experience it all – the pain, the sadness, the happiness, the anger, the neutrality… to face it all, at such an intensity, they can’t help but develop deep compassion and softness and love for any that come across their path. For they know what it feels like, to feel so deeply, and that compassion shows up as pure love, as  gentleness, or a hug in vulnerable moments. It shows up as a smile, a kiss, and a feeling of gratitude and respect for all there is. 

How could you not love someone deep in the throws of addiction after discovering ones own unmet needs of love? Of experiencing abandonment or rejection as a child, realizing that addictions just come from that lost place of a child’s yearning for love and connection? When one goes into the depths of their pain, it becomes healing for all.

And this is when the healed becomes the healer.

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