Ever since I was little, I loved being alone. I would go off for hours at a time, dancing in nature, playing dress up, and serving tea to my stuffed animals. It was a time for my creativity to come out, to get lost in my own world so that something beautiful could be birthed.
It wasn’t that I didn’t like people – in fact, I loved being around people. However, I needed time to retreat, to recharge, to get lost in the flow so I could tap into my own frequency. My energy needed to be protected, which my aura did a lot for me, but to be in my own space – that was heaven. There was no outside energy trying to take my energy, no conditioning in my open centers, no one trying to control me. Space always felt like a relief – no outside static or noise that could disrupt me refilling my tank or interrupt the process of my next creative urge.
*Side note – I feel like Manifestors carry a lot of similarities to 2nd lines, no matter what profile our charts show. We can really exhibit hermit-like tendencies, where we retreat and learn and create and grow until it’s time to step outside of our cave and share/initiate what we’ve been working on.
It became an issue when I moved in with my first long-term partner in my 20’s (an MG) – the closer the proximity, the more I needed to go off and explore and do my own thing without being interrupted. I became frustrated and angry and a ticking time-bomb, unaware of the need to inform or share my feelings. That relationship ended, and 2 years later, I found myself in a similar situation with a Projector. For 5+ years, we lived in various 1 bedroom, 800 square foot apartments. The penetrating aura of my projector partner became increasingly intense, and since I still hadn’t learned about HD, I repeated the same patterns. I thought there was something seriously wrong with me. Why did I want to be alone all of the time?? And the more I pushed away, the more energetically I felt trapped and smothered in the relationship. When I learned about HD, it changed everything. It took time, but I let go of that looping thought that there was something wrong with me. It was purely mechanics – no ones fault.
After leaving my last relationship, I felt so free. I had all of the space in the world, and I loved it! I consciously chose to be alone as I embarked on my deconditioning process in order to reflect on aspects of myself that I had previously judged or reflected. I had gotten so lost in the person I was around 24/7, that I didn’t even know myself anymore. And the parts that I saw, I was constantly rejecting and judging them.
Having time to take a step back and reflect, it’s provided clarity on what I need the most: space!
When I get close to people who get attached, I NEED to get away from them. The more others try to pull me close, the more I will push away. I feel smothered. This is why, as Manifestors, we have such a powerful aura. It is here to protect us, to block others from dipping into our beautiful energy stores (that are meant for our creative urges!). We aren’t here to be a crutch for others. We aren’t meant to be an all-you-can-eat energy buffet. We aren’t available 24/7. As soon as are, we are drained. We become angry and resentful – especially when we aren’t informing.
Because of this, I’ve realized that the more space you give a Manifestor, the more love and appreciation and loyalty you will get from us. When we have time and space to decompress, we have more energy – and are able to embody and step into our power and lead the way.
This clarity has provided insight for anyone I enter into a relationship with. I need time alone. I need to inform others. I need the freedom to explore and to bop around without resistance.
I understand there are many aspects of a person’s chart that may affect the amount of space a Manifestor may need. As a quad right, I absolutely need to be in flow in order to tap into my gifts. I’ve witnessed Manifestors who are more left need less space. And when my 12/22 is NOT feeling social… just don’t even try to come near me. I will retreat into my cave until my mood has shifted. That melancholic time is needed in order for creativity to be birthed.
And while everyday provides more and more clarity as to how I best operate as a Manifestor, I am still learning. I am on the roof in my 2nd 6th line phase, so I am learning less through doing, and more through observing. It’s such a beautiful process. Human Design has given me so much – mainly the awareness to really see ME. And to accept ALL of me, and to work with it.
A lot of times that means letting things and people and hobbies and jobs go, which is not an easy thing for anyone to do. But I feel more and more committed, every day, to doing what feels good. To move in the direction of such total alignment within myself, that my physical health issues continue to disappear. That my emotional waves become easier to observe, and that my creative gifts emerge from my time alone. I decided at the beginning of my HD journey that I would choose a life that I wanted, no matter what. It’s been a bumpy ride, but it’s been the most empowering, liberating, and happiest time of my life. And all I needed was a little space ;).
Thank you for writing this. I’m a quad right emo manifestor and everything you wrote here is extremely relatable. It feels good knowing I’m not alone in wanting to BE alone so much! It can be SO hard and guilt inducing as a parent and partner.