To Feel Again

Nina twirling in a green dress in mexico at azulik uh may

To Finally Feel

cat paw

Here is an excerpt from a time where I was moving through a deep healing, allowing years of suppressed emotions in my very active Solar Plexus to come up and be expressed and released. I wanted to share this because I don’t know that people truly understand what it means to “decondition.” It’s a truly deep and transformational process of unbecoming and shedding layers of identities in order to truly step into your highest self. And as an emotional authority/being, this has been my process. To finally feel my emotions, to allow them to move through my body. To not be ashamed of how I was feeling, and to cry when I needed to cry, and to express how I felt by using my voice. I’ve never known how to do that. 

I suffered from chronic digestion issues and no diet or supplement or plant medicine under the sun did anything to help. It’s only then that I realized I had to go within, that nothing external could “heal” me. I know everyone’s journey is so different, and in my case, it was years of unprocessed emotions that were making me constipated and making the lymph nodes around my neck so swollen because I didn’t know how to express myself (among other things). There was nowhere for my emotions to go.

I am speaking specifically about the Solar Plexus, and when in an unhealthy state, can cause chronic health issues. It isn’t just a dumpster – it’s a motor and it needs to process and move what is being filtered through it. When there is no way to express emotions, there is build up and stagnation, sitting there for years until you realize something isn’t right.

And when you do, it’s not an overnight fix. it’s not fun, and it’s not pretty, and its scary and confusing and some days you feel like you are losing your mind because you are learning how to actually FEEL again. To feel and not have any judgement towards it. And it takes time. There might be days where you are crying non stop, and weeks where you just want to laugh all of the time. This is the journey of the emotional wave – you MUST learn to feel your emotions and to embrace them, to allow them to flow THROUGH you, and to not stay inside. This is the beauty of the Solar Plexus. It’s here to provide depth, and this is its process.

So know you aren’t alone, you aren’t crazy, you aren’t overemotional. You are just a human being who was taught to judge your greatest gift.

So go feel – feel it all.   

Excerpt from the diaries of a healing Emotional Manifestor

When a person truly gives themself space and time and stillness to sit with and process and untangle years of pain and suppressed emotions, it’s not an overnight healing journey. The pain can come up in so many ways and at any time.

It can bubble up and burst, crying in a yoga class or just walking down the street. It can come up in the form of deep anger or regret and a deep need to talk or shout it out or punch a pillow.

And maybe you sit in that anger and sadness for a few days or a week, as long as you need to.

The important thing is that you are finally allowing yourself to feel, to feel the years of madness that you pushed down & repressed for so long, not allowing yourself the luxury to fully express yourself.

But now…

It’s time. You can let it all out. And you may feel reckless and up and down and depressed and manic, and your friends may be concerned because of what you are saying to them and how you are feeling and expressing yourself, but I want to say to you…

how beautiful it is that you are allowing yourself to finally feel.

Be up, be down, be happy, laugh for no reason, and cry to release that lump in your throat that always seems to show up when you don’t feel loved or cared for. These feelings are coming up to be felt, to be free from the prison they’ve been in. Stuck in tiny pockets within your body, showing up as aches or disorders or lumps or sickness.

And until we allow ourselves to be open and vulnerable and to be wild and free and crazy, we will hold in this pain and sickness, wondering why our multivitamin and expensive juices aren’t healing us.

And it’s because they can’t.

Only you can heal yourself.

Only you can go within and begin to release those pockets of pain stored so deeply in the crevices of your body. Only you can allow these emotions to surface, to be seen, to be felt, to be loved.

And then, and only then, can you begin to heal.

little by little.

poco y poco.

Taking one step in front of the other, day by day, feeling like you are moving through quicksand, with no solid land or help in sight. But you are committed. You committed to this work, and you’ll see it through. 

Some days you’ll sink, and some days you’ll make sense of the wild, crazy, path you are on. And in the end, when you’ve gone through the hero’s journey, when you’ve cried all of the tears and screamed the pain out and you’ve laughed all of the joy, you’ll find your peace. In that emptiness, in that space of purification, you will find your peace. That big, empty hole will feel dangerously lonely at first, but it’s not. It’s freedom and liberation and space to create and build a new you, a space to fill with new emotions and feelings and a life that you want…. And you’ll realize that you never heeded to hold onto any of what you just released, because it was filling that hole that needed to house the freedom that you so desperately ached for in your life. 

This space is so sacred.

It’s a turning point in one’s life. It’s a reclamation of life, of love, of creativity. This space is a representation of the work and the healing and the experiences you’ve lived and finally…. let go.

When a person has the strength and the courage to let go of such big things, you know the love they carry for themselves. To face and to feel and to love all that was within them, yet releasing it all, becoming weightless, valuing themselves so much that they hold onto nothing, yet love and value all that they are and what they’ve been through. 

This is strength. This is service – not just to ones self, but to humanity. To dig so deeply and go so far into the depths of themselves that they come out on the other side, no longer the same person, yet open and free, discovering the love they had within all along.

And in that realization, there isn’t just love for ones self. There is love for all. Because when a person seeks and goes so deeply, they can’t help but come out loving everything and everyone. To experience it all – the pain, the sadness, the happiness, the anger, the neutrality… to face it all, at such an intensity, they can’t help but develop deep compassion and softness and love for any that come across their path. For they know what it feels like, to feel so deeply, and that compassion shows up as pure love, as  gentleness, or a hug in vulnerable moments. It shows up as a smile, a kiss, and a feeling of gratitude and respect for all there is. 

How could you not love someone deep in the throws of addiction after discovering ones own unmet needs of love? Of experiencing abandonment or rejection as a child, realizing that addictions just come from that lost place of a child’s yearning for love and connection? When one goes into the depths of their pain, it becomes healing for all.

And this is when the healed becomes the healer.

My 6th Line Experience

Nina Elise Barcelona Sunset

My 6th Line Experience as a 4/6 Emotional Manifestor

When I look back on my 1st 3rd line phase with my now awareness of being “on the roof”, all I can say is OOF. The amount of times I jumped into something 150% and made 3953290235 mistakes without having the awareness of what I was doing is ridiculous. I’m not mad about it – now, I can gratefully reflect on the first 30 years of my life with more knowledge of WHY my life was the way that it was and the many lessons I learned.

My 6th line is unconscious, which is why I was so lost in the trial-by-error phase of my life. However, as I learn more about Human Design, I am developing a deeper awareness of the unconscious aspects of my design.

Try harder would be a great way to describe my first 30 years. Everything I did, it seemed to never be good enough (my completely open heart played a role in this as well). The companies I launched never seemed to be successful, I didn’t make a lot of money, even though I did everything right by the books. I was really hard on myself for it, and felt like a complete screw-up at times.

Resiliency is definitely something 3rd lines develop naturally, but as a 6th line in their first phase, it can feel very defeating. We just can’t take as much as true 3rd lines.

There was a shift between the ages of 29 to 32 that I felt very deeply – groups of friends changing, relationships ending, my need to go out and try everything, my need to physically try new things – all began to diminish. It was like I was slowly climbing a ladder onto the roof, looking back on the life I used to live, wanting to live it, but was being pushed forward to chill the eff out. It felt a bit like pulling teeth. I wasn’t sure WHY I didn’t have the same drive to travel, to experience new things, to hang out with the same people… and the more I tried to do it, the more resistance I felt within and around me.

I felt the biggest shift at 32 – I had to stop running, because of a chronic injury in my right side that cramped up. I kept trying to surf, but was getting knocked on my butt every.single.time. until a freak accident of tearing ligaments in my foot made me sit still for a few months. It seemed that everything I was trying to do, I was being told to STOP. To reflect on my life, and see what was worth doing, or not. What was I doing that wasn’t necessary? What could I change?

It felt a bit foreign, as I still longed for the feeling my old adventures provided me, but there was a new me emerging. I didn’t feel as strong of a pull to DO. I just wanted to sit back and observe. I wanted to evaluate why I did the things I did, and determine if they were still of value to me. I became very picky about the people I hung out with. I stopped talking to people I didn’t want to talk to. This climbing onto the roof thing was not something I could control – it was just an organic emergence of a deeper shift, something that provided more meaning and consciousness to the decisions I made in my life. 

I’m finding that it is reallllly cozy up here. Does something or someone add value to my life? Is it worth my time? I am a lot more picky, but it feels right. It’s like I’ve been given a chance to curl up on a cozy couch and just people watch for the next 15 years. How could anyone say no to that?

And while this roof thing it’s still new for me, I am fully embracing it for as long as I can. I’ve heard Ra talk about 6th lines that come off the roof become 3rd lines again. Definitely with more awareness, but I think I’ll enjoy my time up here for now ;).

Want to learn more about being a 6th line? Watch experiential videos on being a 6th line here. You can also follow along on IG here

Manifestors are Cats

cat with glasses
cat paw
  • We do our own thing
  • We will find you if we need something or want your attention
  • If you get too clingy, bye!
  • Everyone stares when we walk into a room
  • Watch out for our claws
  • If you try to keep us captive, we will resist
  • We’re independent
  • Not afraid to fight
  • Self-sufficient
  • You either love us or hate us
  • We move quick when we get an urge to do something
  • We can be feisty, but deep down we are cuddly and sweet
  • Others are impacted by our presence
  • We carry a sense of regalness & DGAF attitude
  • We are loyal to those who nurture but give us space
  • We ignore people we don’t want to engage with
  • We only remember what is beneficial to us
  • We make the first move
  • We make soothing, gentle sounds when happy
  • We nap in the middle of the day
  • We disappear for several days without telling anyone

Manifestors & Space

Nina Elise sitting on a fallen tree on a beach in Washington

Ever since I was little, I loved being alone. I would go off for hours at a time, dancing in nature, playing dress up, and serving tea to my stuffed animals. It was a time for my creativity to come out, to get lost in my own world so that something beautiful could be birthed.

It wasn’t that I didn’t like people – in fact, I loved being around people. However, I needed time to retreat, to recharge, to get lost in the flow so I could tap into my own frequency. My energy needed to be protected, which my aura did a lot for me, but to be in my own space – that was heaven. There was no outside energy trying to take my energy, no conditioning in my open centers, no one trying to control me. Space always felt like a relief – no outside static or noise that could disrupt me refilling my tank or interrupt the process of my next creative urge.

*Side note – I feel like Manifestors carry a lot of similarities to 2nd lines, no matter what profile our charts show. We can really exhibit hermit-like tendencies, where we retreat and learn and create and grow until it’s time to step outside of our cave and share/initiate what we’ve been working on.

It became an issue when I moved in with my first long-term partner in my 20’s (an MG) – the closer the proximity, the more I needed to go off and explore and do my own thing without being interrupted. I became frustrated and angry and a ticking time-bomb, unaware of the need to inform or share my feelings. That relationship ended, and 2 years later, I found myself in a similar situation with a Projector. For 5+ years, we lived in various 1 bedroom, 800 square foot apartments. The penetrating aura of my projector partner became increasingly intense, and since I still hadn’t learned about HD, I repeated the same patterns. I thought there was something seriously wrong with me. Why did I want to be alone all of the time?? And the more I pushed away, the more energetically I felt trapped and smothered in the relationship. When I learned about HD, it changed everything. It took time, but I let go of that looping thought that there was something wrong with me. It was purely mechanics – no ones fault.

After leaving my last relationship, I felt so free. I had all of the space in the world, and I loved it! I consciously chose to be alone as I embarked on my deconditioning process in order to reflect on aspects of myself that I had previously judged or reflected. I had gotten so lost in the person I was around 24/7, that I didn’t even know myself anymore. And the parts that I saw, I was constantly rejecting and judging them.

Having time to take a step back and reflect, it’s provided clarity on what I need the most: space!

When I get close to people who get attached, I NEED to get away from them. The more others try to pull me close, the more I will push away. I feel smothered. This is why, as Manifestors, we have such a powerful aura. It is here to protect us, to block others from dipping into our beautiful energy stores (that are meant for our creative urges!). We aren’t here to be a crutch for others. We aren’t meant to be an all-you-can-eat energy buffet. We aren’t available 24/7. As soon as are, we are drained. We become angry and resentful – especially when we aren’t informing.

Because of this, I’ve realized that the more space you give a Manifestor, the more love and appreciation and loyalty you will get from us. When we have time and space to decompress, we have more energy – and are able to embody and step into our power and lead the way.

This clarity has provided insight for anyone I enter into a relationship with. I need time alone. I need to inform others. I need the freedom to explore and to bop around without resistance.

I understand there are many aspects of a person’s chart that may affect the amount of space a Manifestor may need. As a quad right, I absolutely need to be in flow in order to tap into my gifts. I’ve witnessed Manifestors who are more left need less space. And when my 12/22 is NOT feeling social… just don’t even try to come near me. I will retreat into my cave until my mood has shifted. That melancholic time is needed in order for creativity to be birthed.

And while everyday provides more and more clarity as to how I best operate as a Manifestor, I am still learning. I am on the roof in my 2nd 6th line phase, so I am learning less through doing, and more through observing. It’s such a beautiful process. Human Design has given me so much – mainly the awareness to really see ME. And to accept ALL of me, and to work with it.

A lot of times that means letting things and people and hobbies and jobs go, which is not an easy thing for anyone to do. But I feel more and more committed, every day, to doing what feels good. To move in the direction of such total alignment within myself, that my physical health issues continue to disappear. That my emotional waves become easier to observe, and that my creative gifts emerge from my time alone. I decided at the beginning of my HD journey that I would choose a life that I wanted, no matter what. It’s been a bumpy ride, but it’s been the most empowering, liberating, and happiest time of my life. And all I needed was a little space ;).

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